ZIONISM AND ISRAEL
The reestablishment of Jewish sovereignty after almost two millennia unsurprisingly gives rise to a new brand of humor. Many new brands in fact, including humor of the Zionist pioneers, Ashkenazic and Sephardic Israelis, as well as Israeli Arab and Palestinian Arab humor. Here are a few of my favorites:
There are many stories about the lack of arms and equipment that plagued the Jews during Israel’s War of Independence. One such tells of a new immigrant who volunteers for the just-born Israeli Navy. He signs up and requests a uniform.
“Sorry, we don’t have uniforms,” the recruiting officer tells him.
“How about a rifle or pistol?” asks the new recruit.
“Sorry, we don’t have any.”
As the recruit leaves the office, the enlistment officer stops him.
“I forgot to ask. Can you swim?”
“What!” exclaims the new recruit. “No boats either?”
The early twentieth-century Yiddish writer Sholem Asch, who wrote controversial novels about Jesus and Mary, had a reputation as a cheapskate. Legend has it that, in the1920s, Asch was visiting the Sea of Galilee, near the locale of the Sermon on the Mount, and wanted to take a boat across to the newly founded Kibbutz Ein Gev. When the oarsman quoted him the price of the ride, Asch reputedly said, “No wonder Jesus walked!”
A newly arrived Russian immigrant opens a bank account and withdraws his first fifty shekels. Eager to show off his command of Hebrew, he counts out the money in a loud voice, “Ekhad, shtayim, shalosh…”
Completing the count, he starts again.
The bank clerk, pretty irritated by now, asks, “What’s the matter? Didn’t I give you the right amount?”
“Yes,” sniffs the immigrant, “but just barely.”
Finally, a story demonstrating the Jewish adage, “We are all one.”
Two American Jews decide to sample Tel Aviv nightlife. They go to a café, where an Israeli comic is entertaining an appreciative crowd in Hebrew, which neither of the Americans can speak. One of the Americans laughs uproariously with the audience.
“What are you laughing at?” asks his colleague. “You don’t understand Hebrew.”
“So what?” is the reply. “I trust these people!”
AMERICAN JEWISH HUMOR
American Jewish humor is generally quite different from its predecessors. To be sure, the Jews encountered anti-Semitism here, and they reacted to it with jokes. But the preponderance of this humor is more about assimilation, acculturation, encounter, dialogue, and friendly competition than persecution. As Jews immigrated at the end of the nineteenth century to the United States (and other countries willing to extend them full civil rights), a new set of conditions arose to try them. Instead of constant oppression, they now had to deal with just how much they would assimilate into the surrounding culture, what they would gain, and what they might lose. These questions continue engaging us today. Like all such existential problems, they are a source of humor.
IMMIGRANTS
Berl, Merl, and Shmerl decide to immigrate to America from Poland. They land at Ellis Island, where they are advised to change their names to something more American.
Berl has been reading Yiddish translations of Westerns and promptly changes his name to Buck.
Merl, not to be outdone, changes his to Muck.
Shmerl goes back to Poland.
PATRIOTS
Just as Jews in the Old Country were proud of their respective towns, so are American Jews partisans of the cities in which they live. New York Jews carry it to extremes. Mrs. Goldberg and Mrs. Fein take their first trip to the West Coast. They get off the plane in Los Angeles in the middle of a heat wave.
“Boy, is it hot here!” says Mrs. Goldberg.
“What do you expect?” says Mrs. Fein. “We’re 3,000 miles from the ocean.”
EDUCATION
Here is a tale that can serve as revenge for all of us who experienced anti-Jewish quotas in college:
A college president tells his dean of admissions they are getting too many Jews at the school and they need to start changing the balance.
The president says, “Use the interviews with prospective freshmen to weed out the Jews. Don’t ask overt questions. That’s illegal. Find some clever ways to get the information.”
So the dean does this. He eliminates all the obvious ones: Cohen, Levy, Goldstein, and other Jewish or Jewish-sounding names. For the rest, he questions where they live, whether they’re interested in religion, if they’ve ever been to Israel…
One day, he gets a candidate with the neutral name of Green. He is from a mixed neighborhood and has never been abroad. He questions the kid about his interests and if he is religious, but he comes up empty on all counts.
Finally, in desperation, he asks, “Mr. Green, do you happen to speak Yiddish?”
Green replies, “Enough to get around in this campus.”
SPORTS
Sports is another topic that is characteristically American Jewish.
Yeshiva University decided to field a rowing crew. Unfortunately, they lose contest after contest. They just can’t figure out what’s wrong. They decide to send out a spy to see how the other colleges do it.
So, they send Yankel to spy on the Harvard crew. Yankel heads off to Cambridge to keep a close watch on the Charles River. Some time later, he returns, bursting with enthusiasm.
“I have it. I know the secret of winning. They have eight guys rowing and only one guy shouting.”
JEWS AND GENTILES
Typical of American Jewish humor is “friendly dialogue” between Jews and Gentiles. In these jokes, the cultures don’t actually clash. They just kind of bump up against each other.
Two friends, Sol and Frank, of Jewish and Italian origin, respectively, are trying to decide where to vacation.
“How about the Poconos?” proposes Frank. “A lot of my people go there.”
“Nah,” says Sol, “let’s go to the Catskills. A great place to meet the ladies.”
Frank is hesitant. “Sure, I’d like to meet some nice ladies, but they’re Jewish. What happens if they ask me about myself?”
Sol has his advice ready. “You tell them your name is Frank. You’re from the Bronx. You’re a manufacturer. If they ask what you manufacture, you tell them talleysim. Can you remember that? Talleysim.”
“What’s it mean?” asks Frank.
“Never mind,” Sol reassures him. “Once you say talleysim, they won’t even question your origins.”
And so it goes. The first night in the Catskills, Sol and Frank are at the resort bar. A very attractive woman strikes up a conversation with Frank.
“What’s your name?”
“Frank.”
“Where are you from?”
“The Bronx.”
“What do you do?”
“I’m a manufacturer.”
“What do you manufacture?”
“Talleysim,” says Frank without hesitation.
The woman thinks for a few seconds and says, “You know, I’ve always wondered what those Hebrew words around the collar say.”
Frank replies, “I wouldn’t know. We just make the sleeves.”
