Jewish
Frontier

In the United States, when a person is asked a question, he tries to reply with the appropriated information.

Answering a question for an Israeli is a much more complicated experience. For example, he may decide that you're not even asking the right question.

"How much will it cost me to get my bicycle repaired?"

"What you really want to know is how much does a new bicycle cost. Why ride around on that old thing? Let me show you this great model I just got in from America." These are things I have learned by asking questions in Israel.

1) You must ask the exact question.

During my first year of living in Israel, I went to the Tel-Aviv bus station.

"Are the buses running on Independence day?" I asked.

"Which bus do you mean?" replied the young girl at the bus information desk.

"Well, any of them. We're new immigrants, and we don't know what will be or will not be closed this holiday."

The young girl stared at me in confusion.

"I asked you which bus you want," she said sternly, "If you want to know about the bus service, you must tell me which bus you want."

This banter went on for more than a few minutes. Even though my Hebrew is very poor, I have always prided myself on being a good communicator. However, this girl didn't understand me. Was I doing something wrong?

Two Israeli teenagers standing behind me started giggling. The information girl became very upset. It's one thing to have a confusing interaction with an American; it's another to be openly laughed at. One of the teenagers pulled me aside, and assured me that my question was perfectly legitimate, but I was observing the famous Israeli bureaucratic mind at work, and, by the way, yes, the buses will be running.

2) Asking questions is a great way to get answers, but the answer you receive may have nothing to do with the question you asked.

"Excuse me. Do you know where the post office is?"

"Do I know where the post office is?" I lived in this town for 30 years, raised two sons, built this street with my bare hands, and fought two battles on that hill, one in '49, one in '67. I was here when the sewer main broke, and the Arabs rioted last year. Of course. I know where the post office is!"

3) The likelihood of a person knowing a fact with great certainty is in inverse proportion to his responsibility for knowing it.

Once, I telephoned the information desk at the Television Tax Ministry. I wanted to know if, as a new immigrant, I was exempt from the yearly tax that all television owners must pay. Some of my friends had told me that I didn't need to pay the tax. Others disagreed and assured me that if I didn't pay my taxes, the television tax police would break down my door, take my TV, and charge me back taxes for eight years, even though I've only been in Israel for one.

The worker at the ministry was categorical in his opinion. "I don't know," he stated.

"Do you know who does know if I have to pay?" I asked. "No."

"But this is the Television Tax Ministry! If you don't know, who does?" "I don't know."

On a similar mission, I inquired of the local city hall if I was subject to their taxes. Three different telephone calls yielded three different answers. I decided to agree with the worker who said that I owed no money.

4) No question is so trivial that it will fail to elicit a sharp debate.

Recently, I rented an apartment at Kibbutz Gezer. I informed the inhabitants that I was going into Ramla to purchase an Israeli adapter for my American telephone.

"Can't get an adapter in Ramla," I was informed reliably. "You'll have to go to Lod."

"Lod!" exclaimed another Kibbutznik. "You'll need to go to Tel Aviv at least!"

"He doesn't need to go anywhere," confidently pronounced a third. "We have them right here in stock."

My quest for an eight-shekel piece of plastic became subject to more analysis than the Vietnam war. I bought the adapter at the first store I came across in Ramla.

5) No question is so obscure that it will fail to elicit offense.

"Excuse me, I know this is very unlikely, but I'm looking for a very rare book. Do vou know who might have the 1933 Icelandic-Japanese dictionary? The edition with the picture of the train printed upside down?"

"Which one? The one with the train going left or right?"

"Good Heavens, you have the book? It's one of the rarest in the world."

"Of course! What do you think, that we're a no-good little book shop? All you Americans are the same. You think everything in Israel is third rate. Well, let me tell you a thing or two Mr. Big Shot. Our book store has the finest selection of Icelandic-Japanese dictionaries in the Middle-East and let me tell you something else. You guys didn't do such a hot job fighting Iraq. When I drove to Lebanon..."

6) Why ask?

"I don't understand Israel!" I exclaimed. "Everything is more expensive. Wages are low. Yet, the standard of living is high. How is it possible?"

"Patience," said my Israeli friend, "You're new here. Wait 5 years."

"Then I'll understand?" I asked.

"No, then you'll stop asking questions," she replied.